me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
found my next D&D character name
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.