Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

*sewing*

A thread

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess