ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “