ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
So Hamburger help me, God
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet