Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Is this anything

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.