Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.