Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.