Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?