me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.