Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁