Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”