me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”