Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

airing out the snack pack

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons