me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits