me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My new favorite headline
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!