Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

me logging onto twitter

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers