Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

necessity is the mother of invention

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.