Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
👽
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Cinematography is my passion
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
went fishing caught a bass
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.