Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious