Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.