Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’![]()
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜![]()