Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
catch me on valentine’s day like
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then