Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.