Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.