@TheMichaelRock

Me: Quit talking down to me like I don’t know shit about technology!

12yo: Sorry…

Me: That’s ok. Now fix the router.

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@ShootyDoody

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

@RalstonReports

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

@Jandalize

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

@robfee

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

@sad_tree

Snake: eat that apple
Adam:nah
S:u scared
A:no
S:lol u scared
A:
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

@RalphSudafed

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour