If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles