Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
You Might Also Like
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.