Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address