Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

*frowns in Scottish*

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

im all 3

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Accurate

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car