me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
the simulation is moving too fast
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.