me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*