me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that