me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460