me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.