Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”