Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Her: I love you
Me: You make the worst life decisions
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.
My wife still came home.
Superstitions are stupid.
I’d use my best pan on you.
judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son
me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor
judge: and the indecent exposure?
me: well now see I don’t even remember that
Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms