Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

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[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000


Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )


I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.



judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son

me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor

judge: and the indecent exposure?

me: well now see I don’t even remember that


Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..


[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen


Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?


What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms