Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

You’ll be OK

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill