Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Just a reminder, folks:

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.