Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

i choose….tongue

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy