Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

Monday

No way!