@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

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@heyitsJudeD

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

@mack44_d

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

@TEXASVETERAN

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

@mikeym00n

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

@thebeckyard

Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

@iwearaonesie

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap