Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer


Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.


Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.


I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.


I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back


my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.


Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.



ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit


Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.


Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap