My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.
ME: so about those footprints…
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap