[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Don’t forget to tip your server
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*