Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
