Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
They’re not wrong
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”