Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

When you’re Kinky but poor

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

is he marrying that labradoodle

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that