Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no