Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

A choir of Spring onions

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

That de-escalated quickly

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

The Compass

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Just a bush.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.