ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward