Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT