Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

When the stylist spins you back around

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.