Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

First I was a pebble..

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Cndnsd Mlk

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.