Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Jus’ sayin. 😐
#NoRestForTheWicked
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression