Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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The days of good grammer has went
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.