Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it