Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

Me: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score