Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Some people were born into their job.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Your secret is safeish with me

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.