Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

How to make infinite energy.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.