Me, reading some of your tweets
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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.