Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

The Weeknd is back

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..