me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend