me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
a public service announcement
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.