Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

britain’s three elite institutions

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda