Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.