Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.