ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools