Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.