Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

here we go again

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

my first day as a raccoon

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.