Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always…

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Saturday

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle