Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room